The Dark I Know Well
by ShayChambers
Summary: AU of Esme's past before she arrived at Degrassi. On the anniversary of an assault, Esme reflects on red flag she wishes she would have listened to.


Proving a point, deploying a defense mechanism, carrying out the destruction she had so perfected, whatever way you chose to swing it, there was a driving force in Esme's head that told her she had no other choice. Getting naked was easy for her; she knew how perilous of a weapon her body was, and more often than not, it got her what she was after. It was a trait she learned too young and too forcibly that it became a way of coping rather than an act she truly desired.

It wasn't often that she wondered what her life would be like now if she'd been more prudent at the start of her teens. It wasn't long ago, but it felt like someone else's life entirely, so far away from the new normal she lived with. Every decision she made, every mistake, they all led her to the girl she was now, one that she didn't love. She wasn't sure she ever would, so she buried the fear and the pain in rooms full of virtual strangers to clink glasses with. That's how it started, but it was just the beginning. The glasses turned into empty bottles, scattered around the beds she'd wake up in with a dry mouth and a fuzzy memory. That's how she liked it: distant. If she could forget one night at a time, she could forget the one that started it all.

She told herself for a long time that she should have seen it coming. There were red flags that even drunk or high, she should have caught onto and stayed away. The long expressionless glances across the room. The way his hand would linger a little too long on her lower back under the guise of trying to walk past her. She was friendly, to say the least, with so many others that ran in the same party crowd, so why should this have been any different? The last party they'd wound up at together before the incident was enough to tell Esme that it no, he wasn't just being friendly, or had too much to drink. He was trouble incarnate, she just learned too late.

It was the last party she would feel safe at, which was ironic considering the type of trouble she got into at every other event. He had tried to talk to her all night and she made it clear she wasn't interested. He offered her another drink, but she had to take a phone call that didn't exist. A few more attempts on his part, and the party was fouled for her and she made the choice to call it a night. He saw her leaving down the back hallway and ran after her, making it clear with the tight grip on her wrist and the way he backed her into the wall that he didn't appreciate her avoidance.

It was almost enough to take her out of the scene, but when her best friend decided to throw the school's year-end party, she knew she couldn't sit out. it was the first day of Summer break and the house was packed to the brim. Esme had arrived before the start to help set up, which to them meant pregaming and not much else. Her inhibitions were already low when the others started trickling in, so she pushed aside the way her stomach instantly turned at the sight of him walking through the front door.

She ignored him as long as she could, but at some point a drink was spilled on her, realizing now that it wasn't probable to be an accident like she initially thought. She remembered throwing her own cup on the back lawn in irritation before stomping away to change into a shirt in the upstairs bedroom. She only meant to be gone for a second to change, but the moment she pulled her top off, swiping at the sticky cocktail that had soaked through, she heard the lock click behind her.

She would have taken a tight hold on the wrist over anything in that moment, a gesture that now seemed so much more innocent until both of hers were pinned beneath his greedy hand, the other clasped across her mouth. Nobody would have heard the struggle over the music anyway, the bass outweighing the screaming. It was the second time in her life she'd known the true meaning of fear, and the second time someone died as a result. Only this time it was herself.

Almost two years after the fact, she still isn't sure she didn't bring it upon herself.


End file.
